I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
