so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
