mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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