No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
