When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize
