shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize