God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
