Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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