And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
