does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
