My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
