Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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