I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
