Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
