if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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