I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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