its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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