After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
