my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
