My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
