I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
