I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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