Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
