I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
