Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
