i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
