I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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