Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
