i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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