Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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