Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He felt like a one man threesome
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
