Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
