When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
