Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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