Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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