I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
