How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
