I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
