He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
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