I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
