i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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