I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
