Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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