Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
