I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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