i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
