i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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