Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
