She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Enjoy the penises
how drunk are you?
Several
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
