You're earring is so big in my mouth
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
