11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
