Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
