you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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