His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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