It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
