you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
