He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
