I accidentally burped into my bong.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
