I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
