I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
My life is pants optional.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
