I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
