She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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