I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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