Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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