I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
