I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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